Am I Good Enough?

This post is kind of a difficult one. When we talk about self confidence we open ourselves up to be criticised as we become very vulnerable. Not everyone wants to have that wall broken down for the whole world to see, but sometimes we need to in order to share experiences/thoughts and help others. I’m not sure how I will write this but I will give it a good go.

One thing that I do best is compare myself to everyone else. The majority of people I know I seem to draw up some sort of comparison to. Siblings, friends, siblings’s partners, friend’s partners, people I work with, people I see in the street, and the people I see on social media.  It’s something I can’t help.

I question myself at least 90% of the time, I ask myself if my teeth are white enough? If my waist is small enough? Are my lips big enough? Am I attractive enough for someone to love? Is my skin clear enough? Am I too short? These are just a snippet of the things I ask myself on a daily basis.

In my adult life I feel a little more at ease with myself, but when certain situations arise or my mood drops in the slightest, self doubt takes priority in my head. Some days I can wake up, look at myself in the mirror and feel somewhat content with what I see, other days I will avoid the mirror at ALL costs.

Rewind a few years back, I was disgustingly bullied at school. Probably every 1/6 kids I passed at school from 7:30 – 3:30pm, 5 days a week had something vile to say to me. My appearance made me a target for absolutely vile things to happen when I was younger, and oh boy did this mess with my head. Humans in general can be horrible beings.

It’s most definitely followed me into my adult life. I find certain situations difficult because of my self confidence issues. Going into new jobs I wonder if I’m worthy enough to get the job, meeting new people I wonder if they’ll find me entertaining, with guys it’s hard because I don’t think ANYONE finds me attractive. With dating  I have probably missed out on chances because i have shut them down so quick because of the fear I’m not enough or that they’re only talking to me as a  joke. I was silly enough to also change myself for guys in the past too, I bleached my hair blonde so much that I literally fried it just because some guy said he would only ever love a blonde. But at 20 years of age I now realise that if someone loves me it’s for ME. They’ll love me for the rolls that I have and the mood swings, the tears, the no makeup days, the panic attacks. What’s the point in trying to maintain a perfect appearance to keep someone interested? There isn’t.

What i’m saying is it’s okay to not like things about yourself, it’s not the most positive thing I could say but what’s the point in spouting rubbish that no one will believe. If there’s something you don’t like about yourself, if you want to change it you can, as long as you’re SAFE. Example: I want to lose weight, and that’s something i’m currently trying to do by following Slimming World because it’s safe and I am not starving myself.

Another harsh reality that can add to self doubt is how negative we can be towards each other. We need to coax ourselves out of our comfort zones and compliment people for things we genuinely like about them.  When i’m out and about, if I see another girl with popping brows or nice tattoos, etc, i’ll tell her. The rewarding part is seeing the smile creep in or the shock that someone else thinks they look good. This is what we need to do more of, not competing or comparing but complimenting. I mean why would you want to be mean and make someone feel worthless?

There’s enough negativity going off in our world we should at least try and help each other find something positive in it. Who knows where I will be with my confidence in 1 month or 1 year. Just remember that male, female, whatever, you are good enough, you may not realise it yet or it may take that special person to make you realise it but you are. It is okay not to love yourself 100%, in time it will come.

Sending you all some love, take care. – Beth x

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