If you know me in real life or online, you should know I love to talk. I love to talk about anything, hence why this blog started. Today I wanna express my current feelings about everything that goes off in my life. My blog is dedicated to lifestyle, beauty and mental health so writing is an outlet for me. This is my outlet. Hope you can relate and understand me in this post, enjoy.
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine took his own life. I will not go into details as I think it’s disrespectful to broadcast about someone’s passing but it hit me and it hit me hard. When I found out I didn’t feel a thing, I felt numb, neither happy or sad. Just numb. It wasn’t until I went through a more stressful time recently that his sudden death all made sense. That’s the problem with grief, it has a tendency to creep up on you.
Work has been something of major stress, try working a job and looking after a team where people can’t make a latte without asking for your assistance. It’s a very draining job and the stress is increasing the busier my workplace gets with customers on holiday. If you go out to a pub, restaurant, shop or anywhere you have to speak to another human please keep in mind how you talk to them. Try not to be patronising or shout as us or even get personal because we feel too and some of us even cry after shift. The constant mistreat by some customers has started to affect my mood majorly.
Questioning the meaning of my life
This could potentially be a trigger warning but in dark times I have questioned the point in living because things have been a way to difficult to cope with, sometimes my thoughts can swallow me easily. If you have depression you’ll know that numb, empty feeling that feels like a big grey cloud hanging over your head. After my friend died I sat there and thought how the hell can someone be here one minute and just gone the next. Know I know suicide is not the option for me, I just want certain painful things in my life to end.
After darkness comes the light
Even though I have had these dark dark thoughts about my purpose in life and why I’m here I’ve been strong enough to pause, think logically and act properly on those thoughts. For example, I have been thinking about living a meaningless life in a dead-end town with no one around me and that led me to depression which then, of course, brings on very dark thoughts which may end up leading me to do someone stupid. Instead of thinking about my purpose I have thrown myself into as much as I possibly can, goals have been set and moves are being made. I am now working out and eating better, open uni is applied for, I’m going out with people and socialising. Constantly putting myself back on the horse and getting back out there. No matter what happens I know I am strong enough to keep coming back up against grief, heartache, rejection or mental illness.
I never used to think I was good enough, I would always wait for validation from others but now I’m trying to be kinder to myself. I repeat to myself: I AM WORTHY, I AM A STRONG WOMAN, I AM GENEROUS, I AM KIND, I HAVE LOVE TO GIVE, MY HEART IS BIG, MY INTENTIONS ARE PURE, I WILL NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS, I AM WORTHY.
If any of you are going through a difficult time or feel low or stressed please call any of these numbers:
Samaritans (open 24hr) – 116 123 (free)
Men’s health forum – www.menshealthforum.org.uk
SANE – 0300 304 7000
NSPCC (for children) – 0800 1111
This is more of a lifestyle post, I wanted to write this post to make me feel better. Hope you enjoyed. Take care – Beth x